I blink several times rapidly.
“CLICK HERE TO SEE WHOSE HORNY IN YOUR AREA”
Poorly edited pictures of large-breasted, heavily made-up women in different stages of undress fill the screen. Pop-ups advertising “HOT N HORNY LADIES”, etc., in neon fonts flash at me from the perimeter.
“SEXXXY ASIAN SINGLES NEAR YOU”
I stare at the computer in disbelief. A porn website? Not that she doesn’t watch porn; she definitely does (it isn’t a topic of discussion with us, but I’m a healthy red-blooded American woman who knows what jacking off sounds like and we do share an apartment), but it just feels…strange for this to be her most visited website. Like, above Instagram. And the address is so bizarrely nonsexual, corporate really, sounding more like a site you’d go to to get investment banking tips than something you’d click on when your dick’s hard. Almost like they didn’t want anyone to know it had porn on it, but wouldn’t that be counterproductive? Maybe this is some tech-savvy, high-powered businessman’s weird fetish project, a secret titty trove he can dip into while at work without resulting in any suspicious browser history. But if this was a personal site, then why have the ads? Maybe that’s part of the fantasy.
“FUCK DESPERATE OLDER WOMEN NOW”
I open the drop-down “MENU” at the top of the screen and scroll through a list of what sounds like titles of different new age self-help books (”Live Your Fullest, Brightest Life”, “Discover Your Destiny Spirit”…I nearly click on “Unleash the Goddess That Slumbers Within” but stop myself”), until I reach a link titled “In Memoriam”.
Intrigued, I click on it.
Rather than taking me to a new page, the website appears to refresh itself and load the homepage again, but with different ads. I am about to click the link again to make sure this wasn’t a glitch, when a new, larger pop-up fills the top-left portion of the screen, blocking the menu.
“BUSTY BRIANNA WANTS TO CHAT!”
This pop-up appears to be some kind of instant messaging interface. Displayed at the top of the window is a photo of a blonde, conventionally attractive young woman whose low-cut top and large breasts are featured prominently by the framing of the image. Under the picture a green dot next to the word “Online!” in bold letters flashes on and off. At the bottom of the pop-up there is a text box for me to type in, encouraging me to “Say hi!”.
Before I can type anything, a ping goes off and a message appears in the chat.
“Hey, cutie! ;) Where’s ur roommate?”