Apr. 18th, 2017 08:47 pm
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[personal profile] haleyscomets
I had a really rough weekend with my mom and I'm just so emotionally drained. 

After a hard week it was especially hard to handle. We fought for a whole night and I still have a headache days later. Or that could just be my period wrapping up.

I started doing this thing where I scratch myself really hard when I'm stressed out. I get these really angry looking red marks, but so far nothing that lasts. The first time I did it in the shower a few months ago; I had an essay to turn in and had a bit of a breakdown because I thought I'd fail if I didn't get it in on time. Funny to look back on that now that I've stopped going to that class altogether.

I was feeling really desperate and frantic, and like a caged animal I couldn't think of anything else to do but physically lash out. I started tearing at my skin as hard as I could stand, shaking and crying. When I came out of the shower and looked in the mirror I had these bright red lines across my neck, chest and arm. They kind of looked like tiger stripes.

When I'm like that I just have this like whirling storm of thoughts inside me and I get so scared because it hurts so much and I don't know what to do. I've never cut myself or "self-harmed" before, and never really saw why it was appealing. Sometimes when I get really angry I punch something so hard I hurt my hand and that would calm me down, so I can compare it to that. Furiously raking my nails across my skin until it leaves marks hurts enough to calm me down, but not so much to make me feel worse. The slight pain gives me something physical and tangible I can focus on, to get myself out of my head when I'm spiraling. And then I feel kind of worn out, and I nurse myself back to normal, like a beast licking its wounds. I drink some water and put some lotion on my scratches. 

I like to stare at the marks I've made. I don't know why, but I think I like to see myself hurt. I do the same thing when I've cried a lot, I kind of peer into the mirror for a while at my tear-streaked skin and red, puffy eyes. Or I take a picture of myself in my weak, post-cry state. I delete it right after of course, but there's something in me that wants to document it, or be seen, as embarrassing as that sounds. I guess I like physical manifestations of pain. I like having something that I can look at as tangible and "real" that reflects how I feel on the inside, where no one can see. I like seeing myself vulnerable. I guess it makes me feel like my pain is valid, if I can point to something physical. So I know I'm not imagining it. 

I did it again this weekend, when I was fighting with my mom. My brother and his girlfriend randomly came to the apartment and I fled to her room to wait for her to make them go away. She took a really long time. I was just sitting there on her bed and I kept thinking about how stupid I must be to them, always running away crying. I thought about that and I thought about the fight we were having and it hurt so much I had to scratch. It felt bad at first, but once the initial veneer of pain wears down, the nerves in my arm stopped protesting and gave in to pure sensation. It felt really good then. Like a dog ripping at the skin around a fleabite, it was satisfying. I drew blood from myself for the first time. Only a tiny bit, but enough that it felt significant. Now it has scabbed over and all that's left is a smear of red that looks like a faded rash.

I kept expecting my mom to notice it but she never did.
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