Slow Day

Apr. 11th, 2017 09:38 pm
haleyscomets: halley's comet (Default)
[personal profile] haleyscomets
It was gross and rainy outside so I stayed home again.


I've been feeling really bad ever since I told my mom I'd been feeling suicidal - really groggy and sluggish and weak and strange - but on the plus side I have been feeling less suicidal. She's been having me come home from school every weekend, and it's been really nice to always have that to look forward to.

Today the guy I cook with couldn't make it, so a friend of his filled in. One of our European visitors, not sure which country...maybe the Netherlands? Maybe Germany? Since I've been living here all the European accents seem to run together.

It was an easy recipe today, and we got finished way early. It's always so awkward when everything's in the oven or simmering on the stove and there's nothing to do but wait, cuz that's when people start to feel like they have to make small talk. It's the main reason I wanted to quit doing the cooking after last semester.

I kept fiddling with my phone and needlessly stirring the meat, hoping to avoid it, but he hovered right across from me and asked me what my major was and what I wanted to do with it. As always, I said I didn't know but was thinking about writing.

Which is only half true, because I'm not thinking about doing anything. I generally manage not to think about it at all. I know what I'm doing this summer and I have a vague idea of what I'm doing after, staying with my mom while I save up for my own place. A "career" seems impossibly far off.

I remember when I was 13 I couldn't imagine ever being an adult. I assumed I'd die young, either by some tragic accident or killing myself. I remember thinking that there was no way I would "last that long", that life would snuff me out before I had to start thinking about stuff like this. When I'd get asked questions about where I "saw myself in 10 years", the first thing I'd think was "dead". It didn't even strike me as morbid back then, I just felt like I was being realistic.

I guess I don't feel that way anymore.

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