They're the only people who are capable of being entirely genuine. They don't yet understand the complex mores of human society, and so they are entirely unguarded. They wear themselves on their sleeve, not according to how they should be or even want to be, they just are.
But at the same time, they can only express themselves with what has been given to them, parroting mouth sounds from Mom and Dad, repeating what a playmate has said as fact, patterning thoughts or behavior after TV characters. In that way, they are wholly unoriginal. Nothing comes from them.
Isn't it fucked up? They're the most real and the most constructed.
My little brother told me it was my turn to pick out a movie to watch the other night. I picked an old animated Batman movie, and told him the Joker was in it.
"He's evil!" he exclaimed, then, considering, "But it's okay. I like evil things."
I've raised him well.
Brain fog, foggy head is often described as:
- Your head, mind, and brain feel foggy or like in a fog.
- It feels like you have a foggy head, foggy mind.
- You have difficulty thinking, concentrating, and/or forming thoughts.
- Your thinking feels like it is muddled and impaired.
- Some people describe this symptom as being “foggy-headed” or having a “foggy head.”
- It seems as if your thoughts are illusive, and things that you once knew seem hard to comprehend or recall.
- It feels like your short-term memory isn’t as good as it used to be.
- It feels like normal intellectual tasks seem much more difficult.
- You find it hard to focus and concentrate.
- You are more forgetful (forget things that you normally wouldn’t).
- You have difficulty focusing on and carrying on conversations.
- Your thoughts seem like in a cloud.
- Your thinking isn’t as clear as it normally is.
- Your head feels foggy, clouded, muddled, and 'off.'
This from "anxietycentre.com". Most of those descriptions sound the same. Brain fog is also associated with pms, which is what I'm dealing with right now. I have several final essays due yesterday and later this week but I can't bring myself to think, or do anything that involves thinking. When I get like this it's all I can do to stay still and quiet. Everything feels confusing and too much.
I've been listening to podcasts nonstop, and I just ran out today, which makes me feel panicked. As weird as it sounds, they keep me company. Misanthropic though I can be sometimes I need to hear a human voice.
On the plus side, I figured out how to do braid outs and twist outs, so I feel less ugly. And my glossier order should finally be coming in on Monday, so I have that to look forward to. I'm more looking forward to the wait being over than getting the actual products. I've been obsessively checking the tracking page for what feels like forever, it makes me anxious to think about.
One student was killed and three more were injured. Someone is in custody, but we don't have a motive yet.
I'm not sure if I'm going to make it to class tomorrow. So far I've only got two assignments done out of everything I need to finish up this week, and I haven't done either of the ones due tomorrow. If I do go to class, I'll probably only get to my second one, so I'm going to try to do that assignment tonight.
It's just so hard to focus. After I got back from class today all I could do was look up information about what had happened. There were so many rumors about intent and about similar attacks all around campus, and then a bomb threat, I couldn't focus on anything else. I just sat there, paralyzed, listening to the police scanner feed I'd found online. Most of the rumors turned out not to be true, but I'm shaken.
Two murders in two years. My parents always warn me not to walk alone at night, but neither murder happened in the middle of the night. That girl last year was killed before 8pm, in the Spring semester. The sun hadn't even finished setting. This time it was the middle of the day. In a crowded place. In the middle of campus. None of them were walking alone.
I can't help but feel threatened. It seems like now that I'm so close to taking control, everything's threatening to take it all away from me.
But this isn't about me. A young person lost their life today. My heart goes out to the family and I pray for the recovery of the injured students.
chrysalism. n. the amniotic tranquility of being indoors during a thunderstorm, listening to waves of rain pattering against the roof like an argument upstairs, whose muffled words are unintelligible but whose crackling release of built-up tension you understand perfectly.
This is my favorite word and my favorite feeling. Whenever I listen to something like rain on the roof, or the swooshing of cars past my bedroom window, it's like my brain glazes over. No matter what the day was like or how I was feeling, all at once my mind empties, I go still, and let myself just quietly vibrate.
Definition courtesy of The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows on Tumblr.
So, for now, this is home.